Narcissists Don't Change. Narcissists can make you believe as though they are not interested in you. They do not care about what you are doing or they do not want you to be around them. They will make you believe as though something is wrong with you or you are not right. You are not good enough for them or you are different in a negative way. Naturally you would assume that because of this, they wouldn't be interested in you. They wouldn't care about what you are doing and they wouldn't want you to be around them.
They will give you put downs and back handed compliments. They will devalue and degrade you. Publicly humiliate and exploit you. Naturally you are going to believe that this person doesn't want you around and this is exactly what the narcissist wants you to believe. They are trying to target your self worth and self esteem. They want you to believe that something is wrong with you or you are not good enough for them. The reason for this is because how you feel about yourself reflects on how they feel about themselves.
So if you are feeling good about yourself, they will not be feeling good. If you are feeling bad about yourself, they will be feeling good. They also have a sadistic nature, which means that they feed off your pain and suffering. Narcissists have really low self worth and self esteem. They have to put you beneath them so that they can feel better about themselves. They observe their own experience and emotions in comparison to yours. This is why they are so obsessive and controlling.
Because if you were to move on and live a happy, fulfilling life... it would reflect on them and how miserable and dissatisfying their lives are. Most narcissists do not even possess the capabilities or potential to create a happy and fulfilling life. But they know that you do. This is why they will give up on their own lives and focus on targeting you and trying to tear you down. Because they know that you have the capabilities and potential to move on and create a happy and fulfilling life all on your own, without them.
This may be difficult to grasp mentally from an outsider's point of view. You may wonder, why do narcissists have this mentality? Don't they realise how easy and effortless it can be to just give into peace and love, and allow things to come together? Don't they realise that through peace and acceptance, they can then generate everything they need to create a happy and fulfilling life? A difficult concept to grasp from an outsider's point of view.
To fully understand this idea, we would have to dive right into the narcissist's mind and analyse their thought process to understand how they got to this point. And that's exactly what we are going to do right now. On the surface, overt narcissists may act grandiose as though everything is going right for them, everything is great. But deep down they feel the same way as the covert narcissists, who have a victim mentality. The main difference is that grandiose overt narcissists may present a more grandiose or extroverted image. But deep down they feel exactly the same.
They both have low self worth and low self esteem. They just present two different images on the outside. Narcissists know that they are doomed, predestined to be miserable and dissatisfied with their lives. So the way that they think is, what incentive do they have to act right for? If they start treating you the way that they know you are worthy and deserving of. If they started to treat you with love and respect, what would they get out of it?
In their minds, if they did that, they would be placing you on a pedestal. Equality does not exist in the narcissist's world.
If you and them are winning, they are losing. That's how they see it. The only way that they can win is if you are losing. If you are both winning, they are losing. So if they treat you with love and respect, they are then placing you on a pedestal and they will then feel inferior. Narcissists also expect instant gratification, instant reward for anything that they do. They have this sense of arrogance and entitlement. So much that they expect a reward to motivate or encourage them, before they even put any work in.
This is where they may start requesting or demanding something from you. Your attention, validation, approval and admiration. Money, material items or sex. They will make you believe that if you want to see a change in their behaviour, if you want them to commit to you. You need to give them this incentive to change, this reward to motivate or encourage them to put the work in. You will never seem them put the work in first, without any incentive to change. Unless they are in some form of crisis.
Even if you do give them the incentive to change, it will not change anything. They are only requesting or demanding this from you because they are seeking external validation or narcissistic supply. They need something to regulate their emotions, low self worth and low self esteem, their sense of inferiority. Once you have refilled their cup, they are not going to have any desire to change. They got what they wanted from you. Whether it was your attention, validation, approval and admiration. Your money, material items or sex.
What incentive do they have to act right for now, when you have already given them what they wanted. They are self absorbed and lack empathy. They only care about fulfilling their own needs. Even when you think they are doing something for you, it is validating them or providing them with narcissistic supply in some way. Though they may be doing something that benefits you, it's still about them and their own need to feel as though they are worth something or they have something to give. They are valuable or desired.
So they will take whatever you have to offer and give you nothing in return. Because once they have got what they wanted, there is no need for them to change. This also trains them to repeat this same behaviour again and again. They know that they don't have to give you anything in return. They can just use you for whatever it is you have to offer and treat you any way that they like without any consequences. It's getting them what they want from you, so why would they have any desire to change?
They also do not want to give you anything. They do not want to give you any acknowledgement or validation. Or anything else that might fulfill you. Because that would become a threat to them. Anything that might boost your self worth and self esteem or make you feel good or look good, will have a direct effect on them. It will trigger them to reflect on their own insecurities, vulnerabilities or weaknesses. Remember there is no such thing as equality in the narcissist's world.
If you are both winning, they are losing. You have to lose, for them to win. So they are not going to give you anything that might help you to win. They also realise that if they gave you anything or did something for you, you would then realise that they're not that great anyway. They portray themselves as being these superior beings who are too good for you. When in reality, they could never live up to those expectations. Their image revolves around creating an illusion. It's designed to make you believe that they are something great, it doesn't mean that they are.
So if they actually did give in and decide to work with you or assist you in some way, you would then realise that this person isn't who they said they are. They are not even remotely close to what they said they were. They do not possess any of the talents, qualities or traits which they claimed to have. You would then begin to identify all of their faults, mistakes, flaws and weaknesses. And they don't want you to see that. They don't want you to see that side of them. This is why they cannot be emotionally vulnerable with you.
This is why they fear intimacy. Because any form of vulnerability or intimacy would reveal that they are not even remotely close to what they said they were. What they displayed themselves to be. An impossible expectation which they created, yet cannot even live up to. And they know this. Which is why they will hide their true selves, they cover it with a mask. They don't want you to see what's really going on with them. Because they know that if you saw that, you wouldn't want anything to do with them. So they will always distance themselves from you.
They will avoid any vulnerability or intimacy, because that could reveal the very person that they are trying to hide. A person who they believe is not right or not good enough for you. And the sad truth is, they are not good enough for you. Even if you ignored the larger than life standard that they tried to portray to you. They are not even close to the standard that you would naturally expect from a person. The reason for this is because they haven't even begun to work on themselves. They lack any mental or emotional capabilities. They cannot emotionally connect to you or hold a deep conversation. They avoid truth and cannot reflect on anything with any real meaning.
They have poor conflict resolution skills. They don't possess any love or passion. They have no real thoughts or beliefs that are unique to them. They just go along with whatever they think people want to see, whatever you think looks good. And everything about them is superficial. They never took the time to work on their true selves and develop these qualities which are so essential to real life and relationships. They were more focused on their image. Looking good, being what you want to see.
Telling you what you want to hear. That's all good for attracting a person, but what happens when you've got them? Then what? How can you possibly sustain any form of relationship, when you haven't even begun to develop these qualities which are so essential to life and sustaining a relationship? And this is where the problems come in. One failed relationship after another and it's always the same thing, where it's something that they didn't attend to. They were too busy attending to their false selves and the illusion.
So they never had the time to sit down and talk, recognise where it went wrong, so that they could learn from their faults or mistakes and then grow. Their false self doesn't want to deal with that, so they will drop you and move on to the next person. And even then, in many cases they will continue to stalk you. They will create smear campaigns and enforce flying monkeys. They can't just let you move on and create a happy, fulfilling life without them. How you feel about yourself reflects on how they feel about themselves.
So you have to be feeling miserable and dissatisfied for them to be feeling any good. This is why they will continue checking in on you, watching what you are doing. They will hoover you to see if you are still emotionally attached to them. It's all narcissistic supply and used to regulate their self worth and self esteem. But it does not mean that they are going to change. They are self absorbed and lack empathy. They don't want to give anything to you, it's all about getting their own needs met. And if you let them back in, the abuse will only get worse.
Then they are trying to finish the job. They are trying to get revenge after you have caused a narcissistic injury by rejecting them. So there will be no change for the narcissist. They enjoy doing what they do. They actually like obsessively chasing around the pointless, meaningless things they so desperately crave and desire. They are not interested in anything with meaning. It's all about instant gratification. That's why everything is so superficial with them. There's nothing of any real depth.
